Rating: 5/5, excellent
Trigger warnings: anorexia, bulimia, emetophobia, child abuse, sexual abuse, CPTSD, alcoholism
I was too old for iCarly by the time it came out. I caught bits of it walking in and out while my younger brother watched it, but it seemed really mean-spirited to me, especially the character of Sam (played by Jennette McCurdy). I also thought it was reckless for a show geared towards preteens to glamorize having a web show without warning kids about the potential dangers. I was surprised to learn that McCurdy disliked being on the show, and curious as to why since she starred in it.
There were a couple of reasons Jennette didn’t like being on the show: 1, her mother pushed her into acting and she didn’t genuinely enjoy it, in fact it made her extremely anxious 2, the showrunner (The Creator aka Dan Schneider) was creepy, verbally abusive, made her do things on camera she didn’t want to do, and denied her career opportunities 3, she thought the show itself was dumb.
I suspect a lot of people are coming to this book expecting tea from behind-the-scenes of iCarly, but the book is mostly about Jennette McCurdy’s relationship to her mother and the long-lasting damage her mother caused to her mental health. In a way, this is a light read: the plot moves quickly, it’s funny, it’s extremely well-written, but in terms of content it’s VERY heavy. The things she went through, holy fucking shit… when I got to about 75% through, I started speeding up because I was too invested to stop and I just wanted to rip off the band-aid.
I don’t want to spoil too much, but the title is earned. Her mother was extremely toxic, but it was complicated because they did have their good times and Jennette grew up believing that they had a great mother-daughter relationship. The problem is that Debbie McCurdy controlled and manipulated Jennette to the point where Jennette’s first instinct was always to put her mother’s needs first. Debbie had a lot of mental issues, including hoarding and anger management. She looked to Jennette to make her happy and keep her often explosive emotions in check. She clearly felt bitter about how her life turned out and sought to live through Jennette vicariously, pushing her to achieve the dream of being an actress that her parents denied her.
Debbie McCurdy survived a bout of cancer when Jennette was two years old, and she held it over the family for years afterward. Jennette grew up in the shadow of this impending loss, and it furthered their codependence. Jennette mentions being afraid of it all her life, and then when it actually happened it ended up being a good thing for her because she could finally define her life on her own terms. Her mother’s death freed her from her abuser and made her able to live without the threat of impending loss.
There’s a lot of societal pressure to “honor thy father and mother” and with that comes a lot of pressure on victims of child abuse by a parent to be silent or have empathy for their abusers. Jennette McCurdy is extremely brave for speaking up. She’s also in a privileged position to be able to do so because she’s financially independent, she’s not in contact with either side of her family so she doesn’t have to worry about reprisals from them, and her abuser is dead. She’s in a great position to use that privilege to speak out and draw attention to the issue for those who aren’t as fortunate. Sharing her story with the world may inspire others to intervene when they see red flags in parent-child relationships. It also invites readers to reflect on their own parental relationships and see dynamics that perhaps they thought were okay at the time that actually weren’t all that healthy.
There’s kind of a gray area between abuse and not abuse. Some of the things in this book are socially accepted as abuse, like her mother verbally abusing her. Some things are socially accepted as abuse but Jennette didn’t recognize it at the time, like her mother touching her private parts, which her mother told her was to screen for cancer. And then other things, like her mother putting her into acting and controlling her more generally, would be considered abuse by some people, but maybe not by others.
Parents have to have some control over their children, right? They have to get them to eat, sleep, go to school, take medicine… where’s the line between normal and abusive where parental control is concerned? I think a lot of parents struggle with recognizing that their kids are separate people, with different preferences, goals, and temperaments.
One area where this plays out often is gender and sexuality. Parents often assume children are cisgender and heterosexual, and push them towards cishet modes of gender expression.
There’s an interesting part of the book that I haven’t seen others talk about where Jennette auditions to be a hermaphrodite on Grey’s Anatomy. Her mother dresses her up in a feminine, sexy outfit that Jennette says makes her feel like a “streetwalker.” Jennette questions if this is really the best look for the role, but her mom ignores her and she auditions in the fuzzy pink top, black miniskirt, and go-go boots. The casting directors like her, but ask her to put on a flannel shirt on over the outfit. On the way home, her mother gets a call saying Jennette got passed over for the role because she was “too pretty.” Instead of lashing out like she normally would, Debbie seems relieved and Jennette is confused as to why, since she didn’t get the job.
Jennette doesn’t say how she felt about the role, but she talks in other chapters about how she hated her mother doing her hair up in butterfly clips or roller curls. I can’t tell if her discomfort is merely physical or if she felt uncomfortable with her mother pushing her towards a certain type of gender expression. Was it that it wasn’t the right gender at all, that it was too extreme, or that it was too sexualized?
I think this kind of parental control over gender expression is becoming more socially recognized as inappropriate, and I’m glad of that. I’m glad kids today are more free to choose how to express themselves and aren’t pressured into a specific type of gender expression like they were in the past.
In general I think there’s a lot more recognition of children as individuals and not as belongings of their parents than there used to be.
I only have one qualm about this book, and that is that the parts that describe her bulimia (in my non-bulimic opinion) go into too much detail. Huge trigger warning if you struggle with disordered eating. She doesn’t glamorize it exactly (she describes it in a way that’s downright horrific at times), but she describes why she does it and how it brings her comfort, which seems like it could influence people to start. McCurdy is a thin, beautiful, rich celebrity, so her choices carry influence, whether intentional or not. On the positive side, her detailed descriptions of eating disorders give readers more empathy and understanding for people who suffer from them. Because of this, the alcoholism, the sex depicted, and the other adult themes, I wouldn’t recommend this book for readers under eighteen.
For readers over eighteen, however, I highly recommend this book! It’s certainly a rollercoaster of emotions, but it’s so funny and well-written that it’s well worth it.
It also opens up important questions like:
Is child acting unethical?
How much control should parents have over their children’s lives?
Where is the line between abuse and not abuse?
Is it okay to be glad over an abuser’s death, and if so, is it okay to express that feeling? In what contexts? What other factors impact the answer, such as the severity of the abuse or the feelings of others toward the deceased?
What does it mean to feel relief or anger at the deceased instead of sadness at their passing?
How does one grieve over and make peace with a complicated relationship?
If you’ve read the book, what was your favorite part (or the part that most affected you)?
Mine was (highlight below to view spoilers):
The scene where she breaks down on the set of Sam & Cat because the Creator had been promising her she could write an episode to get her to keep doing iCarly, but someone in charge snatched that carrot away at the last moment. I couldn’t imagine working for something for years just to have it taken away when you finally get there.
Also the fact that the spinoff was supposed to be her own show with a more serious tone as Sam worked as a guidance counselor helping kids like she used to be, and the showrunners made it into a crossover that threw Sam from iCarly and Cat from Victorious together with very little thought put into it. I also wonder why someone higher up was adamant that Jennette not write an episode, especially considering her writing talent…?
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